Bye Bye Polar

One Day- I Hope - I Hope I see the day
Gangsta

Gangsta

Day 13 - Back to the land of the living

Saturday 16th July 2011 @11pm. Day 13 in the hands of rehab experts. Its all becoming a blur. I can make some sense of it today but the days seem to spiral into each other and I struggle to connect the days and weeks. I have no idea what to make of the last two weeks. Its impossible to gauge if I am any better or not. I certainly don’t see any real advancement in my battle with this dirty dog. 

Today brabs me as one of the few days that I am thinking straight, although my previous entries might tell me otherwise. I am thinking ahead, thinking about what I can do to get better. I want to document two goals.

1. Start fitness program (diet and excercise)

2. Make a final decision on work

This is quite a little bit difficult, its seems uncharacteristically hard to put together simple goals. The anxiety and its ability to render me into a state of paralysis is hard to take. I have no idea when in my life all this actually starting, lack of conviction and also my procrastination.

Today wife and boy came. So great. Had lunch with Maz and Yani. They are so good to us. Luca loved it and played with the Gym ball and I smiled a little bit. Please lets keep this going.

Its so so hard to know on what page do I start the ride back……..today seems like a good point.

Step 1

Tommorows goal. Smile 3 times. Morning, Lunch and Night.

Smile 1 - Dad -Brinker, Day gigi at fishing-eating fish bones

Smile 2 - Overseas holiday

Smile 3 - Lucas and Renae - Eg Baby News

Day 11-Death Clutch

Not much today its 2am, I feel like I am in a death clutch why do I feel so down for the smallest things…im fucked die should I? This place is crazy, am I? No probably not fuck who now release me from this death clutch

chow…severe pain

Day 10 - Help Me Pleh Em

Had a sleeping pill for the first time last night. It worked . I took it at 10 and fell asleep at 2.30am. Pill or me. Woke up dizzy with nausea, cant eat much and was grumpy all morning. I was ecstatic to

have my wife visit me. Brilliant. She made me laugh, we talked like a couple for the first time in ages. There maybe saving us yet.

It was my baby of old. I felt like crap but it was great, oh so great or us to joke and laugh. I made her have that giddy little school chuckle. I love to see that, it made me remember all our good times we’ve had and potentially all the good times to be had.

I sit here and ponder what will I do next, will it be a good day tomorrow or bad. I always backup any tasks I have and they consume me. Eg: dr appoint/breakfast/group to go to tomorrow had to fathom all those tasks together, I am so anxious about it all

Help

Day 9 -To hard to type

Tuesday, the pills are really hitting me today. Nausea. Did not sleep last night. I am weaning off Lamotrigine. I had a few days there that where ok. It has been a killer since. No groups again today and it seems as though the vicious cycle has started again. I had a laugh today when I witnessed a wedgie, how funny are wedgies I mean seriously I thought about giving myself one just to cheer myself up. I missed everyone a lot today. I cried. I am anxious, angry and upset.

Day 8 - Wow

Wow, I am racing, my thoughts are racing, my mind is racing and a have been pacing this room for what feels like forever. Fuck this, I could not see this coming, I need some pills and I have no idea what brought it on. I could picture it coming from when I woke up. I was expecting this. I just head butted the concrete wall. That’s not fun. Not fun at all. Why did this happen I thought things where getting better. I just had one of the nurses come in, they are so nice to me They checked my blood pressure, it has been low at times. I love that most of the nurses here are so on the ball. Its very comforting. My thoughts are interrupted by my crawling skin and overflowed head. What was the trigger today, why do I feel like this. Todays thoughts – Getting better

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                  • When will I get home

                  • Making a decision around work

                  • Reality

                    I just had a great time with my brother and Dragi bro. I am so good at putting on a face.

                    Why do I do it though it hurts me so much. I want to heal everyone’s pain and then I might feel better. I slept a little better yesterday. That was good but I slept during the day. Couldn’t face up-to it. I need to make some decisions soon. How can I do that in my frame of mind. It kills. Will it kill.???

Still racing its gonna be a long night , im still sick. I need help. I need to tell the doc that I still have rather large anxiety issues, they seem to be more prevalent after I feel good, sounds silly I know.

Take care, I need to take care…..Should I keep typing, I am not sure if it will help. I want to get everything down so I know what I have been doing, but then feel pressured to do this. Once I do it like last night I read it back and the writing is rather elementary. It had no real flow and the am not really transforming the message am I getting what I want to get across. Hmmmm

\mhmhmh\

wow 11pm I am back writing again…. I know I produce a calm face when I feel like this. I dont want anyone to know. Its like a tornado inside….and nothing has changed I want to be better. I need to be better in the next few weeks …damnnnn